Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

doing some research

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.