What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks