Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks