Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids