Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*