Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately