What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
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I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
figuring out my emotional availability:
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”