What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does