What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

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The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.


Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.


Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?


Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.


lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit


I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?


Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.


Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”