@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

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@rainerfm

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

@TheBoydP

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

@HlessHman

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

@Hobo_Splendido

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

@MiddlingMs

The road to Hell was paved with good intentions, but my flower girl did a lovely job with the petals, too.

@notalogin

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

@BuckyIsotope

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.