What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Succinctly put.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U