@Parker_Simpson The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.
@plank_sinatra What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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@Parker_Simpson 
@truegritrumble Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
@VaguelyFunnyDan The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
@Darlainky Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
@joekjoek Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
@GrantTanaka lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
@1StevieKilner I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
@Shade510 <——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
@Social_Mime Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
@too_chihuahua Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”