Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I love English because Debut is closer to Review than Debit.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
The road to Hell was paved with good intentions, but my flower girl did a lovely job with the petals, too.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.