@rainerfm
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
@plank_sinatra
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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@rainerfm
@TheBoydP
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
@HlessHman
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
@ThugRaccoons
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
@erichwithach
I love English because Debut is closer to Review than Debit.
@iwearaonesie
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
@Hobo_Splendido
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
@MiddlingMs
The road to Hell was paved with good intentions, but my flower girl did a lovely job with the petals, too.
@notalogin
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
@BuckyIsotope
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.