What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Writing, She Murdered.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
