What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Tier 3 meme
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
