Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

You are not alone 💚

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Short story

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

This headline is a thing of beauty

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.