What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash