Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

early stone age tool

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around