Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

Mapping America’s Far Right

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet