What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant