Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Short story

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.