Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.