what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”