What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You Might Also Like
#Thanos #MondayMood
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.