Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

😂😂

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

I was up all night reading about insomnia

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10