What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
become ungovernable
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake