Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.