What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
why would tinder want me to say this
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps