What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?