What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight