What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.