Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?