Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one