What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
You Might Also Like
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!