Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.