What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
🇺🇸🤭
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
That’s easy for you to say
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*