What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
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sistine chapel
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Respect
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.