What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The Others (2001)
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things