What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
January has been Januweary
step 6: release the wall snake
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You better wish for more oil
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.