Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

☠️ ☠️

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!