What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
birds and squirrels envy us
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
