What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Support your local cemetery
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
When someone says you are so lazy
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
