What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
