@thedadvocate01

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

You Might Also Like

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

@3sunzzz

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

@DudeMass

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

@Rollmaninoz

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@BrettDruck

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

@XplodingUnicorn

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

@Try2StopME

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

@motorace177

I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…