What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
