“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Suuuuure
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.