“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
How it started: How it’s going:
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.