Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Breaking news:

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…