Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

Carpe DM

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances