“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?