“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
#oldknees
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Nobody ever collects famous first words.