“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You Might Also Like
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
