What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Happy Taco Tuesday
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society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?