Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*