what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.