what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
You Might Also Like
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?