@iamspacegirl: what if when Dracula's fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
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@maisonwithapen: *shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?
@WilliamAder: If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
@pleatedjeans: [spider confronting me] him: yo did you steal my coat? me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine
@Schmoodles: I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I'm counting it as an hour at the gym.