What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The French word for sex is croissant.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Taking phone security to the next level.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?