What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.