What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

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midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”


day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea


I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people


My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?


Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.


What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use


BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know


missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night


If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.


Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.