@holypurgatory

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

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@KeetPotato

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

@WinningByARose

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

@zakagan

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

@cydbeer

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

@aspiringtoucan

BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know

@AbleLikes

missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

@neerjagurnani

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.