what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change