what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again