what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
is this how new cars are made??
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.