Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

You sure about that?

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about