“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects