“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
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Hoping to spice up my evening
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”