what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”