what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
True.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.