what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
You Might Also Like
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”