what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.