What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
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I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’m giving up for Lent.