What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
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How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
mumsnet is amazing
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Planet of the Apps.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.