What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
You Might Also Like
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
he chose this
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants