My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?