What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]