What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
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Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!