Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.