Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.