Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.