“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home