“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I need a headline like this
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.