What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!