Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

And then there were 4

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”