What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You Might Also Like
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.